Funny Two Liners

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a hurry ?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
and then it was too late

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.